| What are your goals? If you are like most people, you | | | | Another couple I interviewed recently was absolutely |
| initially think of your personal goals-work, hobbies, | | | | devastated at the death of their infant child. Their |
| spiritual, etc. A few people view themselves first as a | | | | marriage became severely fractured when they were |
| part of a family or couple, so they initially think about | | | | unable to see themselves as part of a couple, but |
| things they want to do with their spouse/family. While | | | | rather saw themselves as individually experiencing |
| of course married men and women should maintain | | | | such deep sorrow and pain in their own unique ways |
| individuality, there are some particular times in life when | | | | that they were unable to connect with one another. |
| it is especially important to view yourself as part of a | | | | After a series of events, they finally began grieving |
| team, rather than as an individual goal-seeker. Times of | | | | together and slowly began to heal and grow in their |
| transition or crisis are two such examples. | | | | relationship. |
| Marriage and family researcher John Gottman, PhD, | | | | It is not always simple to make this change to move to |
| studied couples transitioning to parenthood; some had | | | | the same side of the net. Often, a counselor, pastor or |
| a more difficult adjustment and others fared better. He | | | | mentor can help. I detail in my book on how these |
| found that when as new parents, husbands and wives | | | | couples achieved this successful transition after |
| were able to move from a "state of me-ness" to a | | | | overcoming some extreme obstacles. However, even |
| state of "we-ness," whereby they sacrificed for the | | | | in everyday life, it can be challenging to view issues |
| team, they were able to make a successful | | | | and opportunities as a couple. Did you both agree on |
| adjustment. | | | | where you took your last vacation, or how you |
| You may also know some marriages (or maybe even | | | | celebrate the holidays? If your family has one |
| yours), that tend to have a fair amount of conflict. | | | | breadwinner, do you discuss job changes, promotions |
| These couples may disagree about how to spend | | | | and relocations before making decisions? If you are |
| time or money, how to parent, etc. They view one | | | | parents, do you make parenting decisions privately, |
| another as being on opposite sides of a tennis net, | | | | then present them with unity? |
| hitting those issues back and forth, over and over. One | | | | I enjoy watching my young kids play soccer. |
| couple I interviewed from California said they felt like | | | | Frequently, I see two teammates struggling with each |
| they were on a long path heading in different | | | | other for the ball, when an opponent is not near them. |
| directions. After a difficult reconciliation, they felt like | | | | You often hear the coach yell, "Same team!" I think it's |
| they were climbing a steep mountain-but they were | | | | the same for marriage: If we spend all our time |
| doing it together. Eventually, they felt they reached the | | | | struggling with one another, when the real opponents |
| top. Essentially, they figured out how to become part | | | | come around (and they will come), we won't have a |
| of the same team, although the struggles of the world | | | | fighting chance. Do you feel like you're on the same |
| did not disappear. | | | | team, or do you need a coach to help create unity? |